So many amazing posts in the community. Thank you Alan and everyone for all your contributions. I’ve been in the community almost a year now. I’ve gained so much from being here. I’m so appreciative to everyone old and new. It’s inspiring, empowering and just plain amazing what I’m learning here. I’ve grown so much, and still have much more to do, but it’s really, really lovely to have that sense of belonging in doing the work. I'm not alone in isolation. Yes, definitely as Alan says, 'Your healing is my healing.
I am so thankful for finding this community. I feel I am in a safe environment where I can explore my relationship dynamics and really begin to understand and own who I am. I feel I am somewhere that I can think deeply about my behavior patterns, my illusions and where I came from. In good time, I am looking forward to stepping into the fullness of reality, and living a whole life with authentic relationships with everyone, especially myself. Thank you, thank you, thank you Alan for putting this community and program together!
Thanks Alan and the community for all of your help and wisdom! I never would have gotten through the grief of my attachment injury and learned to heal those broken relationships within myself. I was able to find my inner adult and step up for the broken inner child. I cannot express how powerful this process has been. I find it necessary to experience true freedom! I still get triggered once in a while, but I've learned to recognize the triggers and not to feed into them.
Thank you Alan for creating this community. I stumbled on one of your videos while trying once again to figure out why I recreate the same pattern over and over again. I love your sense of humor in delivering your wisdom and knowledge. I finally get it! After years of on again off again therapy for this, you are the first to get through my thick skull and walls of denial that it's me! I am finally ready, willing and determined to do the work of improving my relationships. I'm diving in the deep end! Thank you!
There is no where else besides in our community where I can explain my relationships with my parents and have people understand. I guess when you have such insight you can't help but try to talk to people about what you know. Healing has actually made me an outcast. It is so nice to be able to voice what I know and have others do the same. Thank you Alan and thank you to everyone here. We are all healing together.
I just had to write a quick post to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone in this community, but most of all to Mr. Robarge, for giving me the opportunity to participate in this process. I’m blown away by how incredibly kind, welcoming, and supportive everyone has been thus far. But, I was even more impressed by how introspective, thoughtful, and intelligent the discussions are all throughout this community. Thank you, again, so very much! I look forward to going through this healing process together.
Let me take the opportunity to be more specific in my appreciation. I was without resources and trying whatever way I could to heal from what I self diagnosed as cptsd. I was flailing. There were so many issues to face. Where to begin? Where to focus? Why did I keep relapsing into obsessive thoughts and anxiety? In addition to all the insightful content here, I appreciate the “just-enough” structure, and the way that Alan does so many things to bind the community and to keep it active and interactive. It is helping me tons and tons. I'm not blind any more. I have direction.
Alan, your teaching on this concept of the tolerance of non-relating has clarified so much for me. I understand why I have found myself feeling so frustrated and unfulfilled in past relationships, both platonic and romantic. I really thought I was crazy or overly needy. Learning the psychological and physiological importance of emotional resonance is clarifying. I feel like I am bringing a different consciousness now to my current relationships and to anyone I meet as I cultivate new relationships.
The Improve Your Relationships community is just that, a community of people committed to healing themselves, and to improving their relationships. It's is like the gym where I go to several times a week. I see many regulars here. It's nice to know that I'm honoring my body and my health, and that others have the same passion. Improve Your Relationships is the same, a community of people with a passion for focusing on and nurturing our emotional health.
Thank you so much Alan for all that you do. You’ve taken on the tremendous task of creating this wonderful community, participating, being accessible, facilitating while continuously working through some of the heaviest stuff on the planet- when most of us are at our most fragile. Bless your heart. I’m so grateful. Your strength and tenacity are not unnoticed and appreciated. Please my brother keep up the good work. You are truly amazing.
As I keep doing this healing work, a deeper meaning is appearing and my understanding has more depth to it. It's perhaps less from a wounded codependency mentality, but looking at the same things only from different windows with different lighting at different times of the day. So I feel I am getting a more wholesome perspective of things. Whereas before I'd be dwelling alone in my own mind, this community challenges my perspective with loving kindness. Even when I disagree, I still learn that there are other ways to see things. The answers will come and over time I just understand better, deeper, differently.
I usually think these 'community' type things are hokey! I usually just want to learn solo. How can you learn to do relationships solo? Well, I think my ex and I were both trying to do that (each going solo on our own in the relationship) while we were married. Here in the community however, I find myself looking forward to checking in with you all every day, seeing how everyone is doing and sharing myself as well. It's nice to know that I can practice mutuality in this type of forum where we know we will 'over share', 'under share' and do all those things that help us practice together.
I’ve been almost explosive with excitement at finding this community and wanted to express some of my gratitude and appreciation for you all. I have so much love for this community! I have learned so much from the incredible and unique insights from your paths, the spirit of support, the nurturing of self-worth even in life’s darkest corners, and the value of sprouting life in healthy relational spaces. I am lucky to have found a place to share these experiences with all you beautiful relationauts!
I really value this community. I'm not on any social media and I don't make comments on websites. I just don't do that. I keep to myself! However, this community is the exception for me. It is safe to be vulnerable here. I appreciate the encouragement. I've discovered that I'm not alone in my experiences. There's no shame. There's a massive energy committed to healing in a 'one for all, all for one' spirit. I'm so grateful to Alan for his tremendous gift in creating and nurturing this community.
Alan, the amount of ongoing, healthy, formative posts you perpetually offer to us is amazingly corrective for a history where these concepts were not or could not be communicated. The richness of constancy of what is presented deserves a thank you. I know of no where else where this healthy sharing is given to us in such a safe, comprehensively insightful, and encouragingly instructive manner to foster positive growth and change. Thanks so much. The expression seems insufficient to convey my heartfelt gratitude.
Participating in this community has helped to diminish my long standing sense of feeling 'different.' Now that I am in a safe place with like-minded individuals who are committed to their own unique processes with a competent facilitator, I don't feel like so much of an alien on an alien planet. So, my gratitude to Alan for creating such a community and to each one of you for sharing your lives with such sincere transparency. You have been a wonderful safe community of people with whom to share some of the deepest aspects of myself thank you all for being there.
For the first time I am starting to break the cycle. Being a part of this community is the reason I am able to do this. I have been able to share openly and honestly, have felt heard, and have received words of comfort and support. I want to thank all of you in this community! I feel that you are accepting me as I am right now, flaws and all. That is so powerful! It gave me the strength to have conversations with two different individuals about unresolved painful issues today. My heart feels incredibly light because of this.
This is for anyone who reads this: join this community! No one single person has helped me integrate my hidden past, or rather, my unknown trauma, and heal myself more than Alan and this work! I'd kiss the man if I had the chance! I don't have that haunting lonely void in me anymore! I also notice I possess so much more agency in relationship. No more self-betrayal. No more crumbs! Alan, I owe you my tranquility, sanity, and relaxed self. I will vouch for you and will remember you the rest of my life. The biggest 'thank you' I can give. I hope you are feasting on emotional connection. You're a precious man, Alan.
I am learning to open up more and share in the community. I'm learning my about my challenges, their genesis, and how to show up. I'm just now really getting in touch with how this community provides the attunement, relating, support, and listening, the seen, known, heard, understood part that our childhoods and relationships were lacking. This is part of the healing process. I am tuning into this benefit of our community.
I can say that doing this work has totally transformed our relationship. We work together to improve it every day. We spend a lot more time trying to reach out, communicate, be kind, connect, attune, even when we fight. I am so inspired every day that I get to spend in this community. It keeps me balanced and sane. I bring the inspiration I get by being part of the conversation with everyone here into my marriage. We all benefit from doing this work, all the time.
Alan, your approach is offered with such kindness and gentleness. At times when I am reading self-help books I almost feel as though the authors are reprimanding me and the language is so exacting and all or nothing. But when I read your material in this community, I feel like I'm an okay person who can just work on some things. I can still relate to all the things you have said, but instead of feeling defeated I feel as though it's possible to get better. Instead of feeling panic, I feel like I can look within without feeling afraid or anxious. Thank you.
I want to thank everyone in the community who commented on my post yesterday about feeling triggered by negativity. All the comments have been so helpful and I’m feeling far more balanced. I went out for a meal with my husband last night and in the middle of telling him some things that I’d posted, I asked him if I was freaking him out because he was making a funny face. He said that he was just amazed that I was talking to him, and to all of you on here, so openly and that it’s like being with a completely different person! We are having proper conversations instead of me holding him at arm’s length. Positive and powerful stuff! I'm so amazed about the ripple effect - all the ripples emanating from here. I can't quite believe the power of it all.
This whole 8-week program is changing my life in so many wonderful ways, and there are a lot of hard days too. I am so grateful to have found this space. I have been searching for a therapist with whom I resonate deeply and the community makes the whole experience so much more rounded out. I am transforming myself here, slowly, and steadily for lasting and healthy change, and I am so thankful for the community and Alan's work! It's changing my kids lives too! My co-parent, my co-workers, my family, and everybody who comes into contact with me has noticed a change. I feel slowly like I am opening up my heart and shifting so many negative things. Thank you!
You know when you find that one thing you just swear by because it just works, and it works well? It is tried and true? Like I'll stand by my green drink smoothies until death because they've proven to have given me great energy and great skin. Well, that's how I feel about this community. Serious value here. Tried and true. Do you experience overwhelm? Do you have trouble creating direction and focus? Do you want to understand a sense of self? I can attest that by sticking with the material presented in this community you will know a sense-of-self. You will know your own direction. It really does take repetition to break old ingrained patterns. It's slow going in the beginning, but just like learning to ride a bike, it takes practice. You know, I don't feel like you can ever forget how to ride a bike after that. You just get back on the bike and you know exactly what to do. So here's to breaking old ingrained patterns together!
This community is discussing some trail blazing stuff. We are kind of like pioneers. I love our gentleness, willingness and kindness. I'm appreciating our ability to see and appreciate our own growth, but also to see and name each other's growth as well. Alan is laying out some concepts that are not mainstream (yet) and are new and really progressive, even among the growing numbers of newly inspired attachment therapists. No wonder other therapists are hijacking these 'Wisdoms of Alan'. We are a fortunate lot. And as my mom showed me it is never, ever, ever, ever too late to grow and wake up to a deeper sense of self and others.
It's so wild to me that I was never aware of these dynamics, even while they were playing out in my own life. In fact, they were guiding, directing and controlling my life. I mean, I could feel all the pushing and pulling, all the tension and activation and shutting down. But I was not consciously aware of the dance or it's steps. This is wild. I am so grateful to be learning about attachment styles now with all of you. It's changing my life, baby step by baby step. Thank you everyone.
I'm pleased that I'm becoming much more aware of myself and my feelings. It feels different and really good, like I am more solid in myself (vs. floating untethered out in space). I'm happy to be more connected to me. I like me. I'm a good egg. I am proud of myself that I am balancing, work, studies and self-care and it's all getting done! I can do this! This community has absolutely skyrocketed my awareness and progress. Thank you, Alan. You are doing a noble work, and we all appreciate you for that!
With honesty, compassion, and understanding, you share hard truths. Thank you Alan and everyone in the community. It is rare these days to find someone who imparts so much knowledge. I'm not exaggerating when I say that joining this community has transformed my life. I can honestly say that I like myself now and that is because I am applying the insights that I've learned here. So again, I thank you, all of you and Alan, for giving your knowledge so freely.
Alan's posts and direction feel so empowering to me. I'm going to print them out and make highlights. My definition of self-directed healing is a long-term, nurturing discovery of how I came to live and act from the childhood programming coupled with the discovery of who I really am, and how to live from that place more authentically, without following the old program. I'm so grateful for this community. We are digging in deep. It's way more than I had expected. So glad I joined. Love you all.
Alan, I want you to know how much I love your videos! I have watched them for a long time before I actually became a member in this community. I am so grateful that I made the decision to do that. It feels so good to be a part of this healing community. The ability to participate in many different ways in my own healing seems different than speaking with a therapist for one hour. There are benefits to that too when necessary, but in my opinion, this is the best! Thank you for creating this community!
I've noticed many moments today where I wanted to fall into overwhelm and self-defeating negative thoughts because I'm going through a massive life change. Thanks to the practice of reframing my story that I've learned in this community, I can now observe and listen to my overwhelm, notice that I'm overwhelmed, offer comfort to myself by creating a simple plan, and give myself gentleness, patience, support and encouragement for the steps I plan out. This feels so nurturing. And I'm learning how to rely on myself. I actually feel good because I'm holding true to what I need and gaining a sense of accountability.
Alan, you win the prize for the most unique invitation ever. This is such a potent, freezing cold shower, slap in the face (but meant kindly), reality based wake up call to personal responsibility post. Thank you Alan for the guidelines from which to learn to consider and explore the realities of intimate relationships. In just a few paragraphs you have single-handedly dismantled and deconstructed the whole romantic narrative. This is bitter medicine Alan, but has the potential to rescue a person from worlds of hurt if heeded. I am beginning to see relational realities clearly and to act on the truth of what really is.
I feel the need to just do a quick shout out to thank the community. I have been uplifted by your wise and experienced words of encouragement so many times in the last month. I hope to dive deeper into the content and activities but for me right now, while truly in the falling apart stage, this opportunity to reach out and connect has been amazing. I have found so much strength in shared experiences here. And of course a huge thank you to Alan for making it all possible. I’m so grateful.
I have to say that being here is helping me relate better with others. I loved the focus in one of my last conversations in the community about looking for "moments of secure relating". It made me think. Rather than having a negative focus of longing for some ideal person and situation, that perhaps I could look for the abundance I already have with different people in different moments. In truth, no relationship that I am aware of can feel secure 100% of the time given our attachment wounds and human nature. Glad I am learning this here in the community.
l can see the benefit of membership in the community spilling into my life. I was very nervous in the beginning to be seen and wondering if l was saying or doing the right thing, but l kept on going anyway. Now, some months later l have noticed myself responding regularly and it has ingrained a lot of things l have been learning. It has helped me clarify and personalize the information here. Now when l engage with others, a similar process flows. I experience support, sharing, empathy and have more confidence. The things l have learned and practiced in the community come through in my daily life. Thank you to Alan and everyone here. Many of you l have gotten to know and l feel close to you. I feel safe. I look forward to participating.
After almost 5 months, I have to say, it is great to be here! My marriage is much better now. I have identified deep causes of why I was the way I was. I needed to look at my relationships with my parents. And since joining, I love it how my forgiveness and compassion and boundaries with my parents have been amplified in a very healthy way. I drew a lot of strength from being here in the community, especially in these "dark career transition days". Funny, I thought I'd just fix my marriage; but then, I ended up remedying a lot more. I’m so happy that I have made great progress with my self-directed healing, in my marriage, as a dad, with my parents, and even in my career. So much is being improved!
My time in the Community has been invaluable and truly life-changing. Alan, words cannot even begin to tell you how thankful I am that you came into my life. Your articles, videos, posts, comments, and what you have built here, have altered the course of my life and only for the better. I now have a grasp and perspective of every single one of my relationships. You have taught me what it means to be in relationship, what I want, what I am capable of giving, and how to accept all the good things that I deserve. At my core, I can feel that parts of me have been re-wired and you have given me tools and skills to continue on this lifelong path of healing. Thank you Alan!
I appreciate immensely Alan's Self-Directed Healing approach that encourages us to be in the driver's seat of our own healing. I get to create my own direction and focus. I get to understand my Self. I get to understand my own feelings and know when something needs to change. I'm forever grateful for this approach because I get to even learn seriously important and essential things like when I need to protect myself, when I need to take care of myself and when I need to make major decisions in my life. It makes me feel good about myself. I have better self-esteem by understanding I can rely on myself and I trust my own accountability.
In the community, you can be exactly who you are in any given moment. This is the place to be vulnerable and pour your heart out, to talk about all those icky, scary, embarrassing or painful things you don't always want to discuss with family and friends in 'the real world'. This is a place to learn, to face the big questions, to do research on how and why you tick the way you do, and how you can develop skills and acquire the tools needed to rise above your past and develop better life skills. It's not always fun and easy, but know that you can always come here. There is always someone online who hears and sees you, who offers support and wisdom. The community has helped and inspired me countless times, and makes me feel much less alone.
Alan, this material you've offered has brought tears to my eyes. Yes, the goal is to end this suffering. The goal is to wake up and see the truth. Alan, you have my utmost respect and gratitude. First time in my life I am believing my suffering is being felt, known, heard and understood by you and this community; and not only that, what matters the most is that I am not left only with that awareness. You are teaching me skills and coaching me to rise above this suffering and realize a fulfilling life, with or without a partner. On a daily basis, I am humbled by your wisdom, patience and guidance. Thank you.
I look at this community as a place I can share at any personal level I choose. I have not been let down by the very empathetic people here. I am actually welcoming new perspectives, and have numerous times been jolted out of my comfort zone by some painful realizations that I may not have wanted to see or read. Yet, these are gifts to me. This community is ultimately about the work. The many, many structured exercises, worksheets, weekly assignments, and monthly projects are all ways to make this community much more than a place to post thoughts, fears, victories and observations. Like anything in life, we will get out of this community the work that we directly put into it. We get to practice new and unfamiliar healthy behaviors together.
When I joined this community I was in so much pain due to a breakup that I didn't know what to do. The pain and looping was so severe until I thought I was going crazy. I'd exhausted my friend's ears and no one could understand the depths of despair I was in. Plus, I was beginning to feel ashamed of the constant tears and sadness. I couldn't just get over it. After arriving here in this community, and getting the information, actually naming what I was experiencing, and then finding out that others had or were experiencing the same thing, it gave me a sense of community. The healing journey began. I joined the community to heal myself and to learn how to love me for me.
Since joining this community I’ve learned about my patterns and suffering. It has been overwhelmingly enlightening. I’ve been better with boundaries, communication and what is healthy and normal. I’ve been able to see that my attachment isn’t about the person at all but a deeper self wanting connection from the wrong people. It’s funny how we relive old patterns trying to get something we can’t get from people who can’t give it, then you can flip it around and see where we are not fulfilling the bargain and being avoidant or insecure. At the end of the day - how do you feel inside about your relationships and how can we improve our relating? Mind blown - thanks so much for this community.
One thing I've realized about healing work through this experience in the community is how I haven't felt safe to start healing from where I am for much of my life. But now, I understand more about how my unskilled moments in relating are usually symptoms of attachment trauma. A lot of the research that Alan has posted has helped me process this. I feel safe more often to start from an authentic place. I feel less ashamed when I am unresourced to relate on a level that is beyond my capacity, and engaging with this community has helped me establish trust to try so that I can improve. It is showing me what is possible. Wherever you feel like you are at right now, I've probably read something that you've posted on the site and it has contributed to this feeling of satisfaction, so thank you everyone!
Alan, I believe I have finally peeled into a deeper level of grief as I've been peeling away layer after layer for 6 years to finally reach me. I've always made it about the "other", researching like crazy, all exhaustive pieces that finally led me here. I am finally ready to make it about me. I believe it was too scary for me to face myself until now. I have the knowledge from your videos that this is not "My partner" but "attachment trauma" and I can picture it flashing in my mind. I have a hard time when I regress and feel such deep shame. It definitely reflects feeling unlovable and deeply flawed. How to change those core beliefs is what I need to work on right now. Thank you for reminding me where I know my focus belongs.
In this community, I feel comfortable and engaged hourly, daily, and every time I receive a notice on my phone. I feel empowered to engineer my own healing and plot my own course to that end. I feel the support of the people that are in this community. that are going through something similar, and who can relate and express it almost immediately. I feel valued in this community for my thoughts and input which translates into confidence that I / We can do this. I thank you all for the love and support.
I just had to write a quick post to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone in this community, but most of all to Mr. Robarge, for giving me the opportunity to participate in this process. I’m blown away by how incredibly kind, welcoming, and supportive everyone has been thus far. But, I was even more impressed by how introspective, thoughtful, and intelligent the discussions are all throughout this community. Thank you, again, so very much! I look forward to going through this healing process together.
This work in the community has helped me to feel much better about myself. It has given me welcome guidance as I interact with all people, be they friend, foe or lover. The idea that the nature of relationships are impermanent is powerful and liberating. It doesn’t mean relationships will all end. It means that once you realize that the relationship has gone bad, you are free to find someone else who is more available to you. We are not condemned to stay in misery trying and failing to make it work. The tools we learn to use here will lead us to new friends and partners with more secure attachment styles. We can overcome the trauma we suffered that keeps us from building healthy relationships.
Since joining this community I’ve learned about my patterns and suffering. It has been overwhelmingly enlightening. I’ve been better with boundaries, communication and what is healthy and normal. I’ve been able to see that my attachment isn’t about the person at all but a deeper self wanting connection from the wrong people. It’s funny how we relive old patterns trying to get something we can’t get from people who can’t give it, then you can flip it around and see where we are not fulfilling the bargain and being avoidant or insecure. At the end of the day - how do you feel inside about your relationships and how can we improve our relating? Mind blown - thanks so much for this community.
This week I learned that I am brave and strong and independent as a solo being. I learned I can make and create the life I have always wanted without needing someone to be my attachment-wound-savior. I learned that I have become resilient and grounded. I don't need a mate to complete me. I complete myself! I owe it all to you, Alan and to this community. I had done a lot of work for the past 10 years, but your insight, awareness, knowledge, intelligence and authenticity were exactly what I needed to complete the final steps to an incredible awakening. I am 100% responsible for my new journey and my new life. I don't have to tether myself to anyone or anything anymore. So free.
As these seemingly simple ideas have been introduced in the community over the last few weeks, it has given me a new way of seeing everything and created some powerful and much wanted changes. When I suddenly felt okay about 'slowing down', I recognized a positive in my relationship where before I saw a negative. It enables me to observe attachment styles. I also embraced the idea of impermanence in relationships. Then, I also revealed myself 'slowly' in all my relationships. I waited for reciprocation. All of these learning insights together have allowed me to feel much closer with friends and within my relationship.
I really love the aspect of collective healing here in the community. We each get a chance to find and nurture our own sense of direction, our own voice, and our own Self. From experimenting, creating and finding this center, we then get this chance to practice showing up with that Self by sharing our healing process with others. I also like the distinction of the community being a learning community not a mental health support group. It helps me focus and define my healing. It also feels more considerate of others, because certain sharing can be triggering to others. I'm learning that my sensitive sharing like my history of abuse is meant to be addressed in therapy. It is meant to be addressed in a safe space where someone can contain my experience and help create a corrective experience. In the community I can work on creating plans for how to work on this sensitive trauma. I feel here in the community we are essentially learning how to support each other in our development of Self.
It is weird because I’ve kind of started thinking of myself as someone able to do intimate relationships well. Me? I’m almost forgetting how it was. I am quite sure it was terrible during my marriage, but I just don’t hold a big grudge against my ex or think of him in that old panicky way anymore. If I look for it, I can’t find it. Also, I don’t mind as much anymore that my mother was so damaging. It is almost hilarious at this point. I am almost thinking I might be able to scrape out some other gunk still in the hidden crevices of my 'rewiring' brain (kind of like when you throw out old clothes that don’t look good anymore and you decide you might as well tidy up what’s left in the closet and get the dust bunnies out too). I’m just going to keep on and let the stuff I discover here bubble up. Maybe the effervescent bubbles are what cleanses the brain?
I am so thankful to this community and all of you. I met a new colleague today who chose to sit with me at lunch. Normally that would have terrified me but I didn't feel a thing. We then proceeded to have one of the most satisfying spontaneous conversations I've had in ages. It was because I focused on him, got curious, asked questions, listened and shared. These were all skills that seem obvious, but the repetition of practicing them here took me out of my fear. It was so wonderful and also took me out of primal panic regarding my ex. It was as if the universe sent me a gift, that the world is full of so many interesting people, and one single person should never have the power to make or break you. The vice grip on my chest loosened and I have been calm ever since. I am so so grateful. Thank you everyone! Connection is the answer. Go into the belly of the whale and come out transformed and changed. Facing the terror is worth it!
I have to say this to Alan and the community. I joined this community when I was hurt by someone and felt it had affected me far more deeply than it should have. Physically and mentally, I felt crushed, suffered high blood pressure, anxiety attacks, etc. I had been struggling, but trying to recover. Last night, I received some flirty texts from this someone who was trying to engage my attention again. I was able to tell him that this was cruel and unfair to me, and he finished up by apologizing! I just know that 2 months ago I would've dived straight back in to it and left myself open to further heartache. Being in this community and reading about everyone's experiences has made me more self aware. I feel I'm waking up at last. Last night was a triumph!
The community is a way to feel like you are not crazy and alone in your healing process. It's a way to talk with others on the road to healing and to come for inspiration and sometimes a good laugh. What you get out of it is all about what you put in. It is an ongoing conversation. Jump in and you will see how amazing folks are here! Membership provides amazing worksheets and questions that Alan offers. Watching videos and doing suggested homework on the various weekly topics helps me to orient my "self-directed" process. Sometimes I get to the suggested assignments and sometimes not, but it is always an exercise in being kind to myself regardless of how much I do. Plus, I always get something from other members when they share their process.
I'm so grateful for the generosity in our community, Improve Your Relationships. Today, my gratitude practice is about acknowledging how I have been essentially raised by this community. I didn't get the necessary emotional responsiveness in my upbringing, and so did not get what I needed in my early development. I was stuck in a younger age, an adult child and did not have the chance to mature. Being here and soaking in the generosity of the community with all the kindness and support, all the abundant corrective experiences week by week, means I have been raised by this community. There is so much emotional mirroring and responsiveness available to help us mature, and to help us grow and develop into our 'Authentic Self'. I'm grateful to know there is hope for human kind and that we can all come to the pond and drink in the nourishment. We come from all different walks of life. We have so much to offer and teach each other here.
Wow Alan! You just described my last relationship from start to finish. I had no idea that this was the case until I tried, naturally, to explore deeper relating. The shock of being faced with a complete lack of desire for this sent me into attachment trauma. We were already living together and being a thinker and self-knowledge seeker, I just assumed that that was what everyone wanted. In the same way I assumed that my Dad would continue to want a relationship with me when he met his new partner. Why would a teenager question that? How naive and wrong was I! I have never felt so utterly rejected, confused and disappointed in my life and it began to set up a deeply hurtful cycle that I still cannot quite believe was real. Trying to accept that as it was nearly killed me. I am so deeply grateful that with the support of recovery, the amazing people walking this path and the inspiration I'm drawing from your work Alan, and this community, that I can safely say I will never experience that again. Bottom Line.
Alan, I have the utmost respect and confidence in your skills and knowledge regarding childhood attachment trauma in the context of adult relationships and insecure attachment styles. I know you aren't looking for compliments, but please accept mine as I do not hand them out lightly. You come across with what to me is a combination that I have never found in a psychotherapist: an academic and intellectual basis for a 'treatment' approach, the empathy of a healer, and the backbone of a good friend. I'm sorry if these come across as judgments, which I suppose they are, but you asked about if I have direction and resources. I have the community 8-week plan, the videos, and your facilitation though out the week. This community is what I view as my key resources. I feel I'm making progress in my self-directed healing. Many thanks and kudos.
Alan, I find it extremely helpful in the community that you point out how 'Our parents can still be loving and kind and empathetic and warm and good people'. No one has to be demonized, no one has to be a bad person for the pain and emotional trauma to be real and valid. For the longest time I felt confusion and shame when starting to see the connection between my unhealthy relationships and my childhood. Because my parents didn't fit the mold of 'bad parents'. They didn't hit me or starve me. They were not addicts. They loved me and my sister and provided for us. All in all they were pretty normal parents who did their best. But yes, they had a lot of problems in their marriage and yes they had limited skills in emotional availability and attunement and yes, that did have some damaging impact on me. I love how in many things you've written, you clarify all the shades of grey, all the layers and levels of trauma and you do so without blame towards parents. It both helps me understand myself better and also makes me feel so much empathy for my parents rather than anger at how they failed me emotionally.
Thank you to all of the community members here who have been open and honest and most importantly, vulnerable. It's not easy to look within oneself and realize that our own happiness/ unhappiness in relationships is deeply rooted to our childhood and relationship with our parents. Until I found this community I could never articulate into words exactly what I was feeling or experiencing. It wasn't until I found this community and Alan that I began to put all the pieces together and begin to heal my wounds and let go of an old relationship. I am happy to say that I am now in one of the healthiest relationships I've ever been in. We talk openly and honestly and have discussed attachment styles in depth. Admittedly, we both lean more to the anxious side which oddly enough has been the polar opposite of everything I've ever dealt with before. Because of this communication early on, we relate to each other in such a deep way. For the first time in both of our lives we are operating from a more secure place. I am so thankful for this community and all of videos that I spent the last 9 months watching and listening to religiously. For the first time in 41 years I feel happy, heard, understood and most importantly loved. Never give up! It all starts from within and every single one of us deserves to be happy.
I didn't know just how much becoming a member of this community would change my life! It was suggested by a member of another community I was in and although I don't know who this person was, I will be forever grateful that she lead me here. I have learned so much in the short time I have been a member and it has explained so much about my experiences growing up and becoming an adult. It has allowed me to understand why I struggled so much with relationships of any kind. I can't get enough of learning about it and it has sent me down some pretty awesome paths so far! I even decided to go back to school in the fall because I feel that I need to gain more knowledge in my field of study. I graduated this month with my diploma in social service work and I was accepted into the Bachelor of Social Work program at the University where I will be attending in the fall. I am so excited for my continuing journey in education. I am so thankful for all the knowledge and support this community has given me. Thank you Alan for creating this community and for all the knowledge that you have made so easily accessible and understandable!
I am grateful for your teachings, this material, your videos, and for setting up this community Alan. They have saved my life. Even therapy didn’t help me as much as your teachings and this community has. I will remain forever grateful. I honestly didn’t want to live anymore. I couldn’t face my life. I was drowning in pain. A relationship had ended and I was destroyed and couldn’t get back up. But since first coming across one of your videos which described my experience and history, it was like I was punched in the stomach, shocked back to life, back inside myself and slowly, slowly I got back up. I started to shake the dust off and I started starting to tune into me and begin the process. I really don’t know where I’d be right now if not for discovering you and resonating so much with what you were saying. I literally just burst out crying and sobbing and couldn’t stop. So my gratitude is to you. And to all these amazing people in this community who have been through so much pain and are fighting back and not giving up. By learning and healing, you all inspire me to heal more every day and I gain so many new insights. Thanks for being so supportive and giving me a place to share my emotional self- which was never given a space to exist and be all my life. What you are doing here Alan is just beyond and I am eternally grateful. Thanks for turning your pain into a movement for healing and creating such a kind warm safe space to grow and heal together. It’s really unbelievable.
Self-directed healing is possible. My life really doesn’t have to be like this anymore. I feel so much stronger than I have just in a month. I am grateful that I am at a place where healing is possible and where I am finally putting myself first. I don’t feel badly about it. It feels truly attainable. The pain doesn’t scare me anymore. The feelings don’t scare me anymore. I want to cry? I cry. It hurts? I let it flow through. I feel like I have expanded more in a few weeks than I have all year. A major internal shift is happening and I’m allowing it. Saying goodbye to who I was, it literally feels as though I am rising! I am hoping to get to the root of my savior complex as a part of me still wants to reach back and pull everyone up with me 'no man left behind', but for now I am okay with letting them be. The guilt seems to be lessening and I know that is something I’m going to be working on. So it feels easier to let it rest for now. I can’t believe what a difference just being in the community makes.
The healing stages in this work are fluid. I think they very much relate to letting go of toxic relationships and grief. I have learned that grief happens in layers. If we bee-lined towards the innermost layer right away, the pain would feel too intense. So we circle around the stages, going deeper with each passing through. I empathize though with feelings of overwhelm and needing to provide myself some structure. A nice reframe for overwhelm I have discovered is having gratitude that there are so many directions to take here in the community. If we are disciplined enough, and aware enough when we are avoiding true healing, we will never be at a loss for material. Alan's approach for this work is the buffet approach; take what you need. There is no shame in hanging around the appetizer or dessert bar for as long as you want. It's how buffets are designed! There are no time limits. The community is about healing at your own pace.
I just want to say how much I appreciate the video library. I have gone through all the videos in Library 1, and I am about to skip to Library 3 to work through more of my attachment trauma issues. What watching these videos has done for me is help me create my own '12 action steps to consider when relating with others.' This week, I will be focusing on walking in the reality of a situation and not doing my usual, learned behavior of making excuses, overcompensating, or justifying another person's behavior. I have learned more from Alan in his videos than I ever did in years of counseling. The key to their effectiveness is that there are tangible skills suggested for you to practice. It's not a bunch of, 'Well what do you think about that?', until your 50-minute therapy session is completed. From the videos and then participating in this community, I have put in place actual, real life skills that have helped me. For instance, I'm now checking the congruency of my response to the event. Whether I am having overwhelmingly positive or overwhelmingly negative feelings or thoughts, I take some time and process it. I've been able to self-check myself a few times by doing this practice. I wanted to share, because I really am grateful for this experience. Thanks, everyone!
Alan, I appreciate you posting the definition and description of secure attachment. It turns into a great 'to-heal' list. I can go through each sentence and see how most of my relating with my former partner was super insecure. I was not sensitive to his vulnerabilities and insecurities, I was inwardly critical of them, while outwardly protective of my own vulnerabilities. I did not self-sooth or communicate well, or lead with compassion for him or myself. I did not understand the idea that we triggered each other, nor how that was related to both childhood attachment wounds and often simply personality type. I never negotiated anything, but either manipulated to get approval or restore harmony, sulked, or quietly waited and hoped for conflict to blow over. Wow. These understandings are so vital. I'm glad I'm awakening to this. Why didn't I have this when I was 21? Why isn't this mandatory learning for everyone before any marriage license is issued? One of the strengths of your community is that it is a safe place, a welcoming community of like-minded people where I have found I can open up and share, without thinking of my brokenness and vulnerabilities as 'dirty laundry'. You lead well by establishing a compassionate tone and atmosphere here. Thank you.
I have met a lot of wonderful people in this community. I learn so much from all of you and from Alan. After an incredibly difficult emotional breakdown and touching rock bottom, my world as I always knew it collapsed and I was left groundless. This community helped me understand my anxiety and fears during such dark times. I was stuck on a negative loop full of self doubt, sadness, guilt, anger and fear. I learned here that something had to change, and that change had to come from me. I used to live for others, thinking that was the non-selfish way, but then realized I was indeed being selfish with myself. I was frustrated for not receiving the love I was giving, but then understood that I actually misunderstood what love really is, that I had to look within to fulfill this void so that I wouldn’t have to rely on anyone or anything other than myself to be happy. After learning a lot of things, I needed some time to process it all. I took a long trip to another country where I faced my fears and where I actually understood the messages that I was receiving during my dark times. It's called the dark night of the soul. I just wanted you all to know that I am so happy to be back here in this community, which was my backbone and still is during this growth period. I am happy to be back home with you all. I am eager to learn the next steps that come after looking inwards. Alan, thank you. You understand so well how we feel and you are able to voice the things we experience on such a deep level. I am so grateful!
Well lovely people, I would just like to take this chance to express my gratitude when I say I feel so warm inside at being a part of all of your time and love. It's a very special thing to have such a safe place to really shine and patch up the tears within us all as humans. Gratitude is the attitude, as Alan always says. It amazingly feels like family and I don't know how that happened so fast. I am still in disbelief at the safety of this place and humanity in general. I know this sounds drastic. It is not that I feared everything, but if I'm really being honest, perhaps many of us do face subconscious fears on a daily basis that weave into our systems and form part of our suffering today. Having a place like this to dissect those thoughts and beliefs really offers us a chance to take back our power. To have and really utilize a place of safety like this as Alan constantly encourages us to, really does appear to be the key to beginning our personal healing process, or mine at least, and I feel blessed and inspired to be here, now, with all of you.
Alan, thank you for the opportunity to keep trying this inner child dialogue practice over each 8 week cycle. Seeing how others in the community dialogue, asking for examples, and also looking for tools to connect has really helped me. This community is such a great place to try out new things and not feel judged on first attempts.
This material was a paradigm shifter for me. It has completely calmed down my trauma triggers and allowed me to move into a more loving self/loving others mode. I marvel at Alan’s gift of making some sense of all of this. He is a truly gifted psychotherapist. I’m so blessed beyond words to be a part of this healing community.
